“Let’s Chat” ” We need to talk…” there’s something about these phrases that can sound unfriendly and can be a prelude to a difficult conversation.
Do you avoid having difficult conversations?
Is it because you are afraid of the answer you might hear?
I was in an elevator when a man asked me if it was ok to for him to smoke. This was before smoking restrictions were applied. I said I preferred that he not smoke. He seemed offended and said he was asking just to be polite. Although I didn’t say it, I thought to myself “Don’t ask the question if you aren’t ready for the answer.” He obviously wasn’t ready for the answer. This lesson has stuck with me ever since. Every time I am faced with a difficult situation or a conversation I’d rather not have, I ask myself if I am ready to hear the answer.
When we think about having difficult conversations, our emotions are triggered, and this causes us anxiety because our mind sees a threat. We fear the unknown and what this will mean to us. The heart starts racing and breathing picks up. We fear being disliked, losing standing, or being kicked out of the group. This causes us mental pain and science has shown that the brain doesn’t care if the pain is physical or mental, it processes it the same way.
Difficult conversations whether personal or work related are necessary to resolve relationship, behavioural or competency issues. If we avoid them or push aside our feelings or concerns, they will come out in some other unhealthy way. The issues don’t get resolved and can get bigger over time compromising the relationship. These conversations are critical to an organization, to the team, to your credibility as a leader and to relationships in your personal life.
Some Things to Keep in Mind When Having a Difficult Conversation:
- Prepare for it. When I prepare for these difficult conversations, I write out the problem and what I expect to come of the discussion. I prepare questions and scenarios that may arise and how to address them. This preparation helps to make it a constructive and problem-solving discussion as opposed to a complaint session.
- Decide whether you need to have this conversation. Have it if:
- There is something important at stake
- There are ways to resolve the issue or problem
- Avoiding the conversation is causing or could cause bigger problems
- A negative pattern has developed that is unlikely to stop unless addressed.
3. Define the Issue and What You Hope to Accomplish Through the Conversation. What is the problem you would like to address, is it attitude, competency, ability or something else? Do you want to prove a point or change the other person? Can you let it go?
How do you plan to resolve it? Difficult situations involve two sides. While seeking to make a change about your situation with this other person, are your prepared to make a change as well if asked? Are you prepared to acknowledge that you may be a part of the problem?
4. Keep it Timely. Have the conversation as soon as possible after the incident, but not while you are angry. Make sure that the other person knows the topic to be discussed, Saying “we need to talk”, is like being summoned to the principal’s office. It can leave the person feeling anxious and stressed. It is disrespectful and a sign that you really don’t want this to be a two-way conversation.
5.Keep it Private. Have the conversation in a private office/setting where it can’t be overheard. Approach the discussion as a collaborative effort:
“Help me understand, what led up to this?”
“I’ve noticed that you are absent from meetings, and you are turning your work in late, is everything ok?
6. Use Ground Rules as Necessary. Apply some ground rules if the conversation becomes heated, unmanageable, or there are personal attacks.
- Speak calmly and factually directly to the person(s)
- Remove your emotions and defensive armour
- Stay at eye level
- Avoid yelling, screaming, name calling, insults, swearing, threats
- Avoid interrupting or talking over the other person. Make sure you understand what the other said before you respond. If you are unsure ask for clarification
- Avoid finger pointing, personal attacks or blaming
- Don’t go off topic by unrelated issues or dredging up the past
- Avoid using words like “always, never, everything, nothing” They may trigger more emotions that will not resolve the situation
- Use “I” statements. “I feel…”
- If the discussion gets out of hand, take a break and resume the discussion at another time when everyone is calmer.
7. Manage Your Emotions-Be Calm and Listen. When we anticipate having difficult conversations, our emotions are often triggered. The mere thought of conflict may cause anxiety. Learn to listen, breathe, and not react in the moment. This can be hard to do if you are not naturally inclined this way.
Put aside your assumptions be prepared to hear the other side of the story with the goal of coming to a resolution. Put you brain into listen mode and your mouth on lock mode. Ask questions. Be open to receiving information as well as giving it. Be empathetic as you actively listen.
Don’t leave the conversation hanging without closing the loop by following up on whether there have been improvements or any additional concerns.
8. Awkwardness. Having difficult and intimate conversations can leave both parties feeling awkward and unsure of how to proceed with the relationship. Let time be your guide.
Takeaway
If you have a difficult conversation, do it quickly, do it calmly, do it privately, and do it thoughtfully. You may need to change as well, be ready for what you need to hear.
You may be interested in reading The tough stuff of leadership-When things get messy – Leadership Mindset.
Leadership Mindset 