Having super skills (constructive conversations or productive disagreements) are important for your leadership toolkit and set you up for success. Some people are good at these types of conversations, some are fair (good sometimes and not so good other times) and others are terrible at them. If you are fair or terrible at them, you can improve. If you are good at them keep up the good work and share your knowledge, experience, and tips with others.
This post takes a look at constructive conversations and productive disagreements from a broad perspective of changing a vision, direction, program, product, policy, legislation or leadership. Making changes of this magnitude usually means that it will involve many people/stakeholders to agree on a common goal and craft a solution.
Note: For tips on 1:1 personal conversations check out my post on difficult conversations
What Makes the Difference Between a Constructive Conversation/Productive Disagreement and One That Isn’t?
When I think of those who are good at having constructive conversations, I think of television hosts (Oprah Winfrey and Barbara Walters (deceased)) who listen, are calm, curious, non-judgmental and ask probing questions. These two ladies stick in my mind because of their skill in navigating difficult conversations and getting people to open up to them publicly.
Here are some things to consider:
- Mindset: Do you want to win, to listen, or find the best outcome for a common goal?
- Your Relationship With the Issue: Are willing to change your mind, are you open to other ideas that might improve the outcome, can you see and understand another viewpoint?
- Your Emotional State: Can you remain calm, or do you get emotional when you start discussing the issue?
- Preparation for the Conversation: It may be easier to be open, curious, remain calm, and listen if you have had time to prepare for the conversation. If you haven’t had time to prepare, it may be harder, especially if you have low emotional intelligence (you are ruled by your emotions).
- Ask questions and listen for the answers: The more you can learn about the issue, the concerns, and possible solutions, the greater the chance you have of moving forward successfully to your goal.
- The Long View: These types of conversations are tricky and sensitive. Are you willing to take the long view (time and effort) in order to get the best outcome?
Tips to Help Move the Conversation Along:
- Be prepared for the long view. Difficult conversations and diverging viewpoints will take time to understand and untangle. Jumping into a solution before you understand what you are getting into is a risky practice and may backfire.
- Know that your first conversation is like getting into a swimming pool. You test the temperature of the water and get in slowly to get comfortable. The conversations may be guarded until your stakeholders feel comfortable with you, your purpose, expectations, and goal.
- Let people know that this is a preliminary conversation and the purpose of this conversation is to learn, listen, gather information, understand where the opposition is coming from, or test the waters. This will help lessen confusion during the discussion. You may also want to let people know that this is the first of a series of conversations to understand and achieve a common goal.
- The information gathering phase is an important step in that it provides you with additional information to refine your goal. Once you have enough information to develop a goal, share why and how you need their help to achieve it.
- Julia Dhar in her TED talk, suggests starting the conversation with something like, “I never thought about it exactly that way before. What can you share that would help me see what you see?’ or, I’ve said “help me understand”
- In addition to a goal, there needs to be some common ground. Common ground is what people can agree on in order to keep the conversation going.
- Identify those things that are non-negotiables, the things that are not up for discussion for both sides.
- Make sure you are talking about the same thing. Have you ever been in a situation where two of you are discussing something and you realize that you aren’t talking about the same thing? Check in with others from time to time to make sure that you are talking about the same thing
- Keep the conversations respectful and civil. Take a break or end the conversation if it starts to get ugly.
Some people may opt out of having more than one conversation. They may need time to process the information or may not be ready for it, so give them the time they need, or ask if there is another person who can participate on behalf of the organization.
Takeaway
Take the time and effort to invest in listening and being open to learn from one another. Constructive conversations and productive disagreements don’t just happen, they are carefully planned and implemented. Those who do this well are today and tomorrow’s superstars because conversations and issues are becoming more sensitive and complex.
Photo by Cherrydeck on Unsplash
Leadership Mindset 