Is it human nature to believe the best or the worst about others? Do you jump to conclusions about the motives of others?
I used to jump to conclusions regularly about the motives of others especially if I felt they wronged or slighted me. After trying to sort out the person and their behaviour that offended me, I had a revelation! What I found was that about 99% of the time the offense was either a communication problem or misplaced assumptions about the person-What they said or how they said it. What I learned from my offenders was that their intentions were good but they were poorly executed.
When I am offended, I brood about the offense and the offender and get worked up, only to find out I was wrong. After bumping into this problem a few times, I decided to believe that most people wanted to be helpful not hurtful, so I decided to change my behaviour and response and be more patient, compassionate and to believe the best in others. Still working on it!
How to Believe Better About Others
- Take a breath. Hold your tongue so that you don’t make the situation worse. A sharp remark will only escalate things.
- Ask yourself if you overreacted, or misunderstood their intentions, if you are being objective about what happened, or are you making this a bigger issue than it needs to be?
- Remind yourself that most people mean well and tell yourself to believe better of that person.
- Ask if this is important; if it is then pursue it, if it is a small thing let it go. That means that you give the person the benefit of the doubt and assume that they did not intend to offend or hurt you. It also means that you stop thinking about what happened and let it go. (This is hard to do). If you know and trust the person it is easier to do.
- Walk away and give yourself some distance from the event. When you have regained your equilibrium go back and discuss the event. By giving yourself some space you can have a calmer discussion. By stepping back and taking a period of time to reflect, you can prepare a more thoughtful and rationale response. This is a way to improve self awareness and control your emotions.
- If you choose to confront the person immediately after the offense, ask them if everything is ok. You can let them know that the behaviour or what they said was hurtful and was out of character. People don’t always realize that what they have said or their actions have hurt someone. This gives them an opportunity to explain what happened. The risk with this option is that it may be more difficult to remain calm and neutral in the heat of the moment.
- You can give the person a pass and say that maybe they were having a difficult day.
What Does the Research Say About Dealing With Mistakes….
Workplace research that looked at how employee mistakes are handled found that a compassionate and positive approach works better than a more traditional punitive approach. The same principle can be applied to personal relationships.
For leaders, when you express negative emotions like anger, employees view you as less effective. I would add this applies in a personal situation as well. Does that mean that we should never express anger, no it doesn’t. It can help us stand up to injustices, but constant angry responses make us look ineffective and unapproachable. According to Amy Cuddy, being likable and projecting warmth, compassion— not toughness — gives leaders an advantage.
How we deal with and think about others says a lot about our emotional and social maturity. Adam Grant, Professor at the Wharton Business School and author of Give & Take, indicates that embarrassing or blaming an employee too harshly may cost you employee loyalty and he refers to a concept called reciprocity. Reciprocity is simply responding to others in kind. If others treat us in a positive way we treat them positively. When others are hostile towards us we respond in kind. Positive exchanges build better and more sustainable relationships.
Takeaway
We are not perfect. We are human and will make mistakes in what we say and do. Getting offended and staying offended takes a lot of work and sucks the life and energy out of you. Your view of the world becomes distorted and you can become an unhappy and angry person. Spend your time and energy to make the situation better not worse. Try assuming the best in others because it will make your life more pleasant.
Leadership Mindset 