To be seen as a leader, giving and receiving feedback are skills to master.
According to a Gallup poll, only 26 percent of employees strongly agree that feedback improves their work.
Feedback is a necessary part of our lives if we want to grow and be successful in our personal and professional lives, but most of us don’t like giving or receiving it.
Feedback is difficult because it usually means it will be critical, negative, and a threat to self-image. The amygdala, the part of the brain that processes emotions like fear and anxiety, may decide that the feedback is negative and a social threat. This decision will trigger a fight or flight response that may make us defensive or cause us to retreat.
How to Give Great Feedback
In Canada/North America, we try to soften it by delivering it in a feedback sandwich. We wedge what we want to say (considered the negative message) between two empty compliments. For example, “Your presentation looked professional, but it was too wordy, and I appreciate the time and effort you put into it.” By trying to soften the message, it gets lost. Other cultures may not be familiar with the North American feedback sandwich and will find it confusing if they are on the receiving end.
On the other hand, being blunt, forthright, or direct can cause the person to become defensive.
So, what works?
According to a TED talk by LeeAnn Renninger, the founder of LifeLabs Learning, a training company for managers and their teams, there are four steps to delivering a negative message:
- Start by asking a question, like “Do you have five minutes to talk about the last conversation we had?” or, “I have some ideas to improve the presentation; are you interested in hearing my ideas?” It lets the brain know that feedback is coming, and it allows the receiver the opportunity to say yes or no and creates autonomy and buy-in.
- State specifically what you saw or heard instead of saying, “Your work is sloppy,” say, “I want you to check over your work before turning it in. Ask a colleague to review your work to help you catch your mistakes.” The term “sloppy,” is unclear and doesn’t help the receiver understand what the problem is. Saying, “catch your mistakes before submitting a document,” is more informative.
- State how the problem affects you, “I couldn’t move forward with the project because I had to correct your errors, and it put me behind in other work.”
- End with a question like, “What are your thoughts about how we should move forward?”
How to Gracefully Receive Feedback
Make it safe to receive feedback gracefully.
If you can mentally prepare for it, do so. If you can’t, then take a breath and slow down your reactions and thinking.
Keep the conversation unemotional and remain objective. When you become defensive, you lose the opportunity to get other feedback and you lose credibility.
Say, “Thank you, “I appreciate you sharing your feedback with me.” Remember that someone gave a lot of thought to this before giving you feedback, including worrying about how you would take it.
Don’t argue even if you disagree.
Listen to what the person is saying, ask for clarification and examples to help you understand. You may be unaware that you are doing or saying things to harm your career or relationship. Step back and decide whether the feedback is valid; ask yourself how this will help you.
Assess the feedback critically over time. If the feedback is valid, look for how you can improve. Ask others about their interpretation of the feedback. Let the giver know you acted on their feedback; it will help build the relationship.
Don’t hold a grudge; it makes you look immature. Behave normally to avoid damaging or having an awkward relationship.
Use the feedback to your advantage; don’t take it personally.
Look for the nuggets of truth in the feedback to improve in areas where you need to.
Have further discussions if you need to. The feedback is not personal, so don’t waste time rehashing the conversation.
Takeaway
Feedback is a matter of perspective: yours and the person who gives the feedback.
Reframe feedback as a positive exercise. If you tell your brain that feedback is your friend, it will help you improve your work, relationships and help you find your blind spots.
Accepting feedback will solidify your leadership capabilities. Those who ask for and incorporate feedback will learn and improve their performance and relationships. They are leaders who can handle tough messages.
Leadership Mindset 